How they stopped the hooting

 A well-heeled gentleman called Don Antonio González Martín launched the invasion way back in the early 1920s, proudly importing the very first. It was unloaded from a ship at the quay near Vallehermoso, in the north of the island, dangling inelegantly for a while from the pescante, the dockside crane, before settling its wheels gently and irrevocably on the ground. Probably to excited cheering and throwing of caps into the air.

Don Antonio couldn't do very much with his new car because there were no roads to drive it along. The only highways were the narrow, stone-paved donkey paths called caminos reales which wriggled their way along the hills and valleys. He reportedly made a few pesetas by giving people paid joyrides around the town in the first car they'd ever seen. (In a nice irony, tourists can now get a paid ride around San Sebastián, the island's capital, in a horse-drawn carriage.)

Less than a hundred years later, the four-wheeled invaders had multiplied to the point where they were causing serious headaches for the Traffic and Road Signage team of San Sebastián's Ayuntamiento, the Town Council.

I imagine Señor Enrique, let's call him, talking one day to his young assistant: 'You hear that, José?' Nodding towards the window.

'Hear what, Enrique?'

'The hooting.' Somewhere in the distance a car horn is blaring, pausing, blaring again with increasing desperation. 'That, José, is the sound of failure.'

'It's just someone who can't move their car because some other blighter's blocked them in.'

'Exactamente!' shouts Enrique. 'Exactly! People park wherever they want. If there's no space they park anyway. They just stop the car, get out and leave it. Blocking those already parked, blocking the traffic. It's chaos. It's anarchy.' Enrique waves a finger menacingly towards his assistant. 'This fine and ancient town has become nothing more than a huge, messy car park. It cannot go on, José. Think of something.'

Within a week, José has the solution. They will paint lines along every road in the town to guide correct parking behaviour - white for 'Yes you can, sometimes', yellow for 'No you can't, except perhaps on Sundays', and zig-zags for 'Don't even think of it'.

'José.' A couple of weeks later.

'Enrique?'

'Nobody is paying the slightest attention to your paint, José. They still park anywhere they like. The yellow no-parking lines are already beginning to wear off from being scrubbed by tyres.'

Gomerans are a proud and independent people, not noted for docile obedience. José sighs and reluctantly has to admit, there is only one answer. 'We'll have to enforce it.'

'Do what?'

'Fine them. If they park on a yellow line you stick a multa, a parking ticket, under their windscreen wiper.' José once spent two weeks in Madrid on a student exchange scheme.

But this seems to Enrique a somewhat dismal idea - and in any case, where will they find a Gomeran prepared to stick a parking ticket on a car they know perfectly well belongs to Uncle Manolo, their neighbour Juana or their third cousin Alberto from up the valley?

I'm not sure how the next step happened, the escalation, but I don't believe anyone here would have proposed it seriously. A traffic management adviser from Gran Canaria, perhaps, or Barcelona.

People laughed in disbelief when they saw the newly-installed parking meters. Little boys found them great to swing around, whooping. Dogs loved them. People hung their jackets on them conveniently while they locked up their car for the day.

The Ayuntamiento responded robustly by employing uniformed strangers from Tenerife to apply penalty tickets.

'José.'

'Enrique?'

'Do you know what we found in the Council letterbox this morning?'

'Umm...'

'A large pile of parking tickets. All torn in half.'

The parking meters rusted and died.

José, being a resourceful young man, set about analysing traffic flow to see what could be done statistically, logistically or geographically to ease the bottlenecks and discourage antisocial parking. He came up with a clever rerouting strategy involving the extensive application of one-way streets, No Entry signs and white arrows painted on the road at approaches to junctions.

I remember discussing the results of this with Lorenzo, who lives near the centre of town. The main problem was that nobody knew how to get anywhere. 'You need a lookout standing on the car bonnet,' Lorenzo complained, shielding his eyes like a sailor peering through the storm. 'Junction coming up, left turn at fifty metres! Straight ahead for a bit... sharp right here... whoops, it's no entry, back up, back up!'

It took only a couple of months before the signs were removed and the white arrows painted out. Then followed a long, injured pause while nothing happened.

Or nothing seemed to be happening. In reality, José was incubating a final, draconian solution to the town's traffic problems.

'Say again, José?'

'Remove the cars, Enrique. Keep them out altogether.'

'You surely can't be suggesting...'

'Install traffic barriers. Pedestrians only. Replace the asphalt with paving stones, ornamental trees, benches for the elderly. Return the streets to the people.' Flushed and excited, José feels he is on the verge of making history.

Others feel the Council has lost its sanity. Public consultations are characterised by impassioned soliloquys about urban dictatorship, misuse of public funds and the foolish idealism of woolly-hat environmentalists.

In every bar and café along the proposed pedestrianisation routes are heard howls of rage and protest, mostly from the proprietors. 'People park outside here to pop in for a quick coffee and a sandwich. This lot are trying to put me out business!'

This is the nub of the problem, of course: people habitually park outside everywhere just to pop in. To snatch a quick coffee or beer, to buy their newspaper or groceries, to check their lottery winnings... This is precisely what José is trying to combat.

He is helped by the known principle that outrageously bold and expensive schemes are always much easier to fund than pussy-footed tinkering. Europe steps in and gives José all the money he needs. The big yellow diggers arrive and the town's main shopping street becomes a nightmare of mud, trenches and wobbly little bridges.

When the diggers finally move out again, and teams of extraordinarily patient artisans finish the job by laying little blocks to cover every square centimetre, the street is unrecognisable.

It looks wider and brighter. It's strangely quiet. A lingering scent of fresh cement has replaced the acrid stench of car exhausts.

Over the following weeks and months, slowly, timidly, café tables begin to spread into the street from their doorways. People take to strolling to browse the shop windows. In the evenings they stroll to do nothing much at all.

Something magical has happened. The place has begun to look like Paris.

Meanwhile the cars get parked tidily in new parking spaces on the outskirts. Nobody has to hoot any more, and people perhaps feel a little fitter from having to walk a few metres.

Not long afterwards, the other main street gets pedestrianised as well.

Urban Design magazine devotes an entire issue to the extraordinary success of this visionary scheme, José lands a top job in the Traffic Planning department of Torremolinos and Enrique is voted Spanish Civil Administration Man of the Year.


There's a touch of poetic licence in all this, I admit (with grovelling apologies to the Ayuntamiento de San Sebastián). But it's wonderful when a bold, controversial and ridiculously expensive scheme turns out to be a really good idea.

The thing on the beach

Down at the end of the beach Blasina was poking something with a long stick. Gingerly, as though it might spring up and bite.

We placed the beach towels in our usual spot and prepared for the morning swim. By the time we were organised Blasina had been joined by a couple more people, one of whom had taken charge of the poking stick. Nobody seemed prepared to get too close to whatever it was.

Naturally, I wandered over to see what was going on. As a general rule this is poor survival strategy - if there's something that needs poking with a stick it's best to walk away rather than towards. However, wildlife on this benign little island is mostly of the cuddly or edible kind. There are a few biting flies but nothing you need to fend off with a chair.

From a distance, the thing on the beach looked like a mound of wet, brown liver. Close up, it still looked like a mound of wet, brown liver. Blasina nodded in greeting as I joined the group, now grown to half a dozen onlookers. One of the Council workers weeding the roadside flower beds had arrived with a rake and sickle in hand, but Blasina warded him off. 'Está vivo,' she told him, it's alive.

Another of the regular swimmers, a lady with more courage than caution, took up a large flat pebble and began investigating the pile of liver more closely. She tried to prise it open. It unfolded a little but retracted as soon as the pebble left it alone.

There followed one of those uncomfortable interludes in which everyone waits for someone else to do something. Living creatures do get washed up on the island's beaches occasionally, but it's not a regular occurrence and people usually call the Guardia Civil to come and sort things out. They would contact one of the organisations that specialise in relaunching stranded dolphins or offering comfort to confused baby gulls.

On this occasion, however, nobody seemed inclined to call the Guardia Civil and inform them there was a pile of wet brown liver on the beach.

Distressingly often, what gets washed up if it's lucky, or more probably sinks without fuss to the bottom of the ocean, is a creature that has mistaken a plastic bag for a jellyfish and eaten it. Turtles do that. So do some of the fish. They eat the plastic and it clogs up their innards, slowly killing them.

And despite the best efforts of the Council's cleanup squads it's not uncommon to see an escaped supermarket bag flying out to sea on a gusting northerly wind, a lethal kite waiting to kill a turtle. Which is why I have developed a mild obsession for trying to catch them. 'Look mummy, there's that man who chases plastic bags and crisp packets!'

But I'm not the only one. (John Lennon, Imagine). There are other beach regulars who will try to retrieve any floating plastic bags or bottles they come across, to deposit them safely in a waste bin.

In sharp contrast, I once watched someone's beach umbrella flying seawards on those same northerly winds. It briefly touched down just in front of a lady, a foreign visitor, who was doing her anti-cholesterol march along the shoreline. She avoided the umbrella and marched on, leaving it to tumble into the sea and set off towards Tenerife floating handle-up like a coracle. The owner plunged in and managed to catch it, but the point of this story is, how could anyone...

What? Oh right, the thing on the beach. Another Council worker, older, wiser and probably a weekend fisherman, bent over the glistening lump, unfolded it carefully with a gloved hand, stood up and pronounced: 'It's a choco.' A cuttlefish.

I can recognise a choco when I see it on my dinner plate but it doesn't look anything like that. Perhaps because this one was much bigger than anything a restaurant would serve up, and its tentacles were hidden somewhere underneath, and it had covered itself in brown ink.

In fact it could have been just about any kind of squid because nearly all of them will squirt ink when feeling anxious, in shades ranging from deep black or bluish to the dull brown of this one.

How had it got itself into such a predicament? Chasing something smaller, that cleverly led it into the shallows? Fleeing from something bigger out there in the bay? Or was it, perhaps, unwisely tempted by a plastic-bag jellyfish floating among the breakers?

The Council guys moved in with spades and an empty fertilizer bag. With great care, they manoeuvred the thing onto the bag then transported it back to its home environment, wading knee-deep to gently release it. I didn't see it swim away but neither did it wash up on the beach again, so let's hope it lived happily ever after.