Yes please

 Having lived for so long among Spanish people, most of whom are dark rather than fair, with hair ranging from deep copper to jet black, to me the British now look drained of colour. They stand out as being different. I'm one of them, of course, along with Janine, which is why we could never be taken for genuine Gomerans.

But there's another striking difference about the Brits. Here's an example. Picture four visitors - two middle-aged wives and husbands - sitting at a table outside a cafe and ordering drinks from a waitress. (In English, naturally - almost none speak any Spanish, which is not their fault.)

Wife 1: 'I'd like a white wine, please.'

Wife 2: 'Me too, I'll have a wine as well, please.'

Husband 1: 'A beer, please. Lager.'

Waitress: 'Grande?' Big? She mimes a phantom beer mug with her hands above and below it.

Husband 1: 'Yes please! Big!' He mimes a beer mug the size of a bucket. The waitress smiles at this little joke she sees many times a day when there's a cruise ship in the port.

Husband 2: 'Same for me, please. Beer. Big!'

Now let's imagine this group transmuted into an equivalent set of Gomerans. The interaction would be briefer (in Spanish of course, but translated here into English):

Wife 1: 'For me, a white wine.' 

Wife 2: 'Yes, the same.'

Husband 1: 'A glass of beer.'

Husband 2: 'Me too.'

Generally, Gomerans don't go for a big mug of beer, more likely a glass from the keg or a bottle. But the point is, they are unlikely to add any 'pleases' in this situation.

It can sound rude to British ears, but as I see it, they're right. 'Please' being short for 'If it pleases you' - why should a waitress not be pleased that someone's asking for something she's employed to sell them? This is a simple exchange of information: you want to know what I want to drink, so I'll tell you.

Even more likely to sound rude to a visiting Brit, and possibly cause offence, is what happens when it's time to pay the bill.

Wife 1 waves a hand towards the waitress, who comes over. 'We'd like the bill, please.'

The waitress nods, goes into the cafe, emerges with the printed bill on a little dish and plonks it on the table.

Wife 1: 'Thank you!'

The waitress nods, goes away, returns a little later to retrieve the dish which now contains a banknote. She takes it away and returns with the change.

Wife 1: 'Thank you!'

It's entirely possible that the waitress, if she's busy, won't bother with this 'thank you' stuff at all, although they are usually aware that foreigners seem to need it.

In a non-touristy bar or cafe you'll rarely hear any please or thank you exchanged. Ordering, obtaining and paying for food or drink are simple transactions, to everyone's benefit. Nobody's doing a favour.

Even after all these years, I still can't watch a cup of coffee arriving at my table without saying gracias or some substitute like perfecto. But I'm quite proud that I can now buy things without crawling. For example, a simple purchase conducted in the panadería, the baker's:

'Have you got wholemeal bread with seeds?'

'Yes.'

'Good, give me two.'

The assistant puts two loaves in a bag then says 'One fifty,' the cost in euros, takes the money without saying a word and puts it in the till. Next customer…

And the strange thing is, this dialogue sounds absolutely fine and normal in its original Spanish but translated into English it looks unpleasantly blunt. Definitely worth a blast of invective on Tripadvisor, although in this case the customer was just as rude as the shopkeeper.

-------------- NOTES --------------

So, is this to say that the Spanish just don't use please or thank you unless pushed or shamed into it?!!

No, no, not at all. The words exist and are much used, but only when merited, not just as a kind of verbal tic when they're not really needed.

There's also a common fudge where someone almost, but not quite, feels they should add please to a request - they shorten por favor to a brief porfa thrown out casually.

End of lesson. And thank you for reading it.