Transcript of a merciless interrogation of the author after a lengthy but entirely explicable pause in his formerly reliable output. He was first subjected to a similar ordeal in November 2016.
Cold and Humourless Interrogator: So, once again we begin with a defensive and clearly biased introduction: an 'entirely explicable pause...'
Defensive Blogger: And once again you quote from the introduction to the post-conversation transcript. How is that supposed to work?
CHI: (snapping) Don't quibble!
DB: Sorry.
CHI: (adjusting his steel-rimmed spectacles irritably) Do you accept that the last time you contributed a post to this blog was in May 2024?
DB: If you say so.
CHI: (snapping) I certainly do! It was well over two years ago.
DB: Okay, okay. It's only a blog. And why am I sat here like a hoodlum with a paper bag over my head and my legs tied to a kitchen chair?
(Silence)
DB: All right, a bit of wild imagination creeping in there.
CHI: At least it demonstrates some residual brain activity.
DB: Look…
CHI: This is supposed to be a blog, may I remind you, about everyday life in La Gomera. Is nothing happening? Has the entire population set sail for Venezuela?
DB: The population's growing, actually. Whole place crawling with babies. It's nice. Lively.
CHI: So, why the deafening silence from your pen?
DB: (chuckles) I like that.
CHI: (peevishly) You understand perfectly well what I mean.
(Silence)
CHI: We have ways, you know, of…
DB: No, no, wait, I'm thinking. I'm not sure I want to get into this.
CHI: You're in it.
DB: (sighs) Look, I've been having a rough time recently.
CHI: (mockingly) Oh dear. Do tell?
DB: Really? There's nothing more boring than people going on about their problems. At our time of life, never ask anyone 'So, how are you?'.
CHI: (still mocking) So, how are you?
DB: Fine now. But in recent times my wife and I between us have had appointments with a dentist, an odontologist, an audiologist, a traumatologist, a cardiologist, a dermatologist, a rheumatologist, a physiotherapist, a urologist and a radiotherapist. We've had ten days in hospital, electrocardiograms, X-ray imaging, computer-assisted tomography, photon beam radiotherapy and bone density scans.
CHI: (momentarily nonplussed) That must've been one hell of a car crash.
DB: That's one way to describe it. Others are senior citizenship, the third age, autumn of life, twilight years, final decline into oblivion. I'm not so keen on the last one.
CHI: (shaking head sadly) So you've given up? Going under?
DB: Not at all! As a wise acquaintance remarked, if you have no health problems at all it's because you're dead.
CHI: Incidentally, it's AN urologist, not A urologist.
DB: In Spanish it's un urólogo, pronounced oo-ROL-ogo, which solves the problem. (Mutters something inaudible.)
CHI: (leaning back in his chair) Let's be frank, shall we? One suspects, from your prevarication, that you've simply run out of ideas.
DB: So many hours spent in waiting rooms does tend to drain you. The ideas are there, just not bubbly enough. I'll get back to it, sooner or later.
CHI: You intend to write more stories?
DB: Yes. Sure! Well, I think so.
CHI: (nodding) I see.
DB: No you don't see! You don't see at all. If I promise to carry on as before, relaunch myself then find I can't keep up with it, that's worse than not starting at all, isn't it?
CHI: (sniggers) Your loyal readers might be quietly relieved by either of those alternatives.
(A long silence, then the Defensive Blogger rises to his feet)
DB: Fine. You asked for it. I'll start by writing about a crotchety, dried-up husk whose only pleasure is to try and upset vulnerable victims.
CHI: (mocking again) So when can we expect to see this miraculous renaissance?
DB: Now! I've just done it. (Points a finger) And I know who you are.
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